Dream Job

So if you're sitting around hating your job,well then check this out for a job and I'm sure you will feel better.
Bonusses include getting to use one of these,one of these and finally one of these.
Hope you have already eaten.
hehehehehehehe!

Starving your Loved ones

Forgive me if I'm a bit late in the play but I've just become aware of the Terri Schiavo story.
For those of you in the dark like I was,Terri was a happily married woman until,in 1990,she was miss diagnosed resulting in a heart attack which caused massive brain damage (bet that doc sleeps well at night).To this day she has lived life in a "persistent vegetative state" kept alive by a tube that feeds her nutrients.
Back in '93' her hubby tried to have the tube removed (against the will of her parents)so that Terri would die 'naturally' which in real terms is 'starve to death' nice!But Florida boss Jeb Bush put a halt to it,finally the bush family did something right.
Alas on the 18th of March the case was won and the tube was disconnected,with the parents lawyer quoted as saying"We're now up against a very tight clock because Terri is in the process of being starved to death''.STARVED TO DEATH??Are you people missing some serious parts of your fucking brain or what?
Now Im not gonna get into any debate over euthenasia or whether Terri should live or die BUT I am against this.
I mean Terri is currently starving to death whilst her parents are in court trying to stop it,AHEM is'nt this a crime of inhumanity I mean for fucks sake starving someone?Surely in this day and age of modern medicine there is an easier way.Even people on death row pass away more humanly than this.
The mind boggles at the way some people think,starving your loved one?I Hope that if this ever happened to me that my friends and family would fly me to europe where its all legal and have me put to sleep peacefully.

London Non-Transport Pt2

Ha ha after my last rigmarol with the buses I emailed a complaint (whinging git) and as a result I got a booklet of bus tickets with an apology hahahahahahahaha

Now theres a new transport scam

Go get em

The ladder of truth

In a recent conversation about my poor excuse for a life with a friend,he suggested I look into the 'Ladder Theory'.
After reading this I realised Im in the 20% bracket (the one above other)

quite prone to the 'Kiss of Death' and know a lot of 'Cuddle Bitches'.
Although this did nothing for my self esteem it did clear up a load of issues that confuse the hell out of me.Check it out and if your honest Im sure you will agree there is a lot of truth.
Damn it!

School Dinners

Following Jamie Olivers recent mission to improve school dinners the Government has made pledges to sort it out,well done I say.But I think it's really up to all of us to do our bit for the little blighters.
They really do need saving from the re-constututed lips and arse holes that they are fed now.
Well I've done my bit I have found the one product that the kids will gobble down,and it has the extra added bonus of preparing them for later life.

Here it is;

Mystery Cd

Today is a good day.Last week I was given an un marked CD to listen to which was surprisingly good and had me air drumming on the tube (I must have looked like a right twat).A rock album that didn't sound like every other,really good drums and quite odd lyrics,it really had me guessing.Alas I haven't been able to work it out that is till today(thanks Mr Reilly).
So who is it you ask,well its a Texan trio by the name of The Secret Machines who have just released the album Now here is Nowhere.Hopefully they will be touring as finally I want to go see a band,something this synical old git hasn't wanted to do for ages,hurrah!
-----------------------------------------UPDATE-------------------------------------------------
Big bunch of arse,I just finished this then i realise they are doin tonight and tomorrow at Brixton Academy.Why bunch of arse you might say,well Im broke,always the way.
All is not lost though they're back on the 24th at The Electric Ballroom,hopefully I will have begged enough coppers (the coin that is) to go to that one.

Disposable Unheroes of Hypocrisy

You've just got to love self-righteousness really.Yesterday Chris Eubank ex-boxer and shite reality TV subject was in court for taking the law into his own hands.
Whilst on route to take his kids to school on brighton,Eubank was driving down a lane when he came across a delivery truck blocking the way which annoyed our Mr Eubank.Now anyone who drives can understand the situation,your either in a hurry,the kids are moaning or you want to want to get home to wife in bed,whatever,but not many of us would go past the shouting 'COME ON' out the window and thats where Chris Eubank is different.
As Eubank drives a truck he thought sod this I'm in a hurry,got out of his vehicle,jumped in the delivery truck and moved it round the corner so he could get his vehicle past which,in the eyes of the law is A;Stealing and B; Driving with no insurance.In his defence he said he was raged at the fact that someone could just block the road with a big vehicle.
Now this is pretty funny considering the vehicle he was taking his kids to school in was none other than a giant black Hummer, a fuckin Hummer is he that punch drunk,who's blocking road with large vehicle you self important tosser ?????
Eubank just falls into the catagory filled with wankers who use huge penis extending 4x4s on the school run without a care for anyone elses safety,especially in Brighton,what a tosser.
I had an idea that you could take all of these vehicles and plumb half the exhaust gasses into the cab whilst in city limits or a height barrier round the perimeter of schools it would do us all a favour.

They get they're own movement

The
Oversized
Nonce
Kar
Association

And the beast goes on

Well here I am at the aend of a rather uneventful day when finally i get the latest news from the good ol' U S of Arse.
Following the great placements of Condoleezza Rice as Secretary of State which made me think 'hold on she is a real nazi oil hungry bitch'.Then there was John Bolton placed in the UN as the American representative which leaves you thinkin WTF.
The bombshell today was that mad warlord Paul Wolfowitz has been placed as head of the World Bank,thats right the World bank.
For those of you who dont know Wolfowitz,well lets just catch up on him;

CAREER HIGHLIGHTS(courtesy of GNN)
1989-93: Under-secretary for defence policy
1986-89: US ambassador to Indonesia
1983-86: Assistant secretary for East Asian and Pacific affairs
1981-82: Head of state department policy planning staff
2001 to date – Deputy Defence Secretary (and was a strong advocate of the Iraq war.)

Now are you all thinkin what I am?
Whoever the puppet masters are that have they're hand up Bush jnr's ass really know how to play chess,all the pieces are just falling into place unchallenged really.
So when it all kicks off in Iran are we gonna hear the words 'check',and who is gonna say 'checkmate'.
This sort of carry on is just staggering belief,and to top it all off it was followed by the 2005 Budget.
All together now;
And a spoonfull of Prozac makes the politics go down,politics go down.

Sountrack for life Update;

Search and destroy : Iggy and The Stooges

Test the estate

Are you a ned or a Slapper
Be honest now

The jury is out

Due to this new evidence


Explains why only one glove was worn in public huh!

Shoot me

Oh my god I just read my own babbling,for fucks sake
Liking Nigella Lawson?
Air guitar during housework??
Anyone out there with a small,loaded firearm come round ASAP

My address is.........................................

Thinks to one self I need my fuckin head read

Tottenham Court Onions

I disovered an odd phenonemon last night.As I was on my way home in the wee hours of the morning through Soho,going to Tottenham Court Rd to catch my night bus home,and we all know how I feel about night buses I discovered an odd occurance.
Amongst the late night scragglers consisting of drunkards,strip show rejects and night workers there it was,wafting through the streets,the smell of onions,maybe Tottenham Court used to be onion fields I dunno but I realised that my entire walk through these parts I had been polluted by the onion and my god it was strong,it was sort of like that old Bisto ad except instead of transporting kids to the gravy it was transporting drunks to the sausage,ew!To top this all off I am now surrounded by drunken muppets with mustard and sauce all over they're faces chomping down these piles of lips and arseholes modelled into the shape of a sausage no wonder there is vomit on the road round these parts,its either the botulism from these things kicking in or just the general reaction from sober people,like me that they are inflicting with this toxic occurance.
Either way surely there can be a law about air pollution,you would hope so.

New movement;

Against
The
Mingin
Onion
Smells

Corporate Whoring

Ive done what I said I wouldn't,corporate whoring.yup goin to do corporate shite gigs that only just qualify as the entertainment industry (in the catagory 'arse licking').I forgot how much of a bunch of arse it all was full of little jobs worth fuck knuckles that only are employed because they new someone or they are related.Not that I am against giving someone an oportunity,Im all for it but when some jumped up twat starts telling me how to suck eggs I just want to tell them to fuck off these people should have to take a course in mannerism otherwise they are going to get hurt.
Not only was it a stupidly long day plagurised by far too many idiots that should be removed from the gene pool,there was a large number of Doorway Blockers in attendance and we all know how i feel about that,however spending 21 hours in the V and A proved a soothing influence.
The show,'the Home and Garden Classic Design awards.Oh god I thought this is going to be full of over priced twaddle and wank stain ''designers'' ,alas no it wasnt I was pleasantly surprised and found some cool things that i didnt need a mortgage for.
Ive decided to make my own results as I left before seeing the awards part.
1st Presso Non-Electric Coffee Maker: As a coffee snob this is a funky and practical kitchen essential

2nd Norito Collection for LSA: Amazing glass where that looks like liquid and good use of colour

3rd Airswitch by Mathmos: Well I had to love this its a quirky lamp with a twist

As for honorable mentions I have to say the Nigella lawson Living kitchen (I hate to say)stuff was good value and the Electolux vacuum cleaner just begged for air guitar moments whilst doin the housework.
The bunch of arse award went to Isokon Shipshape Storage Box, 350 quid for that,your having a fuckin laugh,a stupid half arsed magazine rack that was totally un-ergonomic.
Th e best part of all was re-discovering the V and A especially the old German Black forest collection of wood carving,hmm Deer in kilts makes you wonder.I was also impressed by the big glass sculpture hanging in the entrance way,man what a piece the more you look the more it unfolds glad someone in this world has patience.
Now I dont know if anyone has been or seen the Morris, Poynter & and Gamble Rooms but oh my god what a hidden little gem that is,you definatly wouldn't want to to have your mind altered in that place,there was wierd shit goin on there back in the day for sure.

Daring Stuff

To be a twat on the internet
hahahahaha

I hate this shit

Im sorry to go on but will it never end?
Ive been saying this for a while Im glad someone put it in print.Also when you see stuff like this you just want to cry and bash your head against the wall (well I do)

Blatant self promote

Hurrah its the second week of the month which means I get to harrass the public with my tunes at the Big Chill Bar.At least this week will be entertaining due to Rueben who is playing with me as he is planning on bringing reel to reel gadgets and visual aid should be quite fun (hint hint)
At least I get a free meal which is quite nice

Soundtrack to life

I thought about this last night,isn't it great how no matter what your doin you can usually think of a tune that fits where you're at.So I thought I'd document it more for my own reasons than anything.
So Ill start now
Song for the present;

The Rolling Stones -You cant always get what you want

Comedy Revisited

Ah Sunday the day of rest so rest I did,well that was until Reilly woke me up.This was all forgiven as he had a great suggestion to go to Spitalfields Market,pretty good idea for a Sunday really.Now I hadn't been to the market in a while and god its got bigger lots more food (hmmmmmmmmmm food)which we enjoyed to its full potential.so carried on round market and looked at stuff I couldn't afford.
Wheres the comedy you ask.
Well Mr Reilly hatches a plan go south of the river again (jesus may as well move there)to Brixton Comedy club which is really a pub with a comedian or two.This usually is a turn off for me as the thought of amateur(usually code for ''Shite'') comedians drives me insane due to 3 years of working in comedy festivals in NZ and Edinburgh.
Luckily this night was to be saved by the bill (get it),compared by Daniel Kitson (absofuckinglutely brilliant) I had forgotten how good daniel is at ranting comedy turning his stutter into an act of genius.Even as a compare he is an act unto himself.he then intoroduced the following.
Dan Antipolski,who is quite dark and very clever,top notch,Some Australian Guy who had a very good routine about taking LSD (wouldnt know myself),Scott Capurro who is a San Fran gay comedian who I have worked with twice and don't like at all hence why I sat thru his routine with a face like a smacked arse but I suppose he could be funny.
Then we had 2 quite strange men that did funny songs,the first of which was so-so but the second which was based around amphetamines was side splittingly funny ,I nearly laughed my self into incontinence.
Then it was the headline Rich Hall who I have had the pleasure of working with many times,and would go see again and again as he has some great anti bush humour,mixed with his own southern way of taking the piss out of his homeland,the great US of Arse.
Oh and I forgot the funniest bit,before the evening even started the woman in front of us lit her ciggie and cought her fringe alight,biggest hair fire ive ever seen ,she was ok though so i can laugh.
Hurrah my comedy bones have been revived and all for only £5.50 cheap at half the price (whatever that stupid saying means).
I nearly went into horror after this though when i realised I had missed the last tube,I thought oh fuck here we go again but thank god it all went smooth bus on time no yobs no frozen testicles.

Might make a Sunday habit out of this.

Even better I stayed on the wagon all week and weekend Hurrah

London Non-Transport

Aaaahhhh the weekend a time to hang out with your friends entertain yourselves and not have to worry about getting home thanks to London Transport
LIKE FUCK
Now I suppose everyone thats ever been in London has had they're gripes about this subject but now its my turn and about time me thinks.
So its Saturday and I think 'Hmm(finger and thumb on chin) i think I'll go south of the river to the lovely Brixton and visit some friends,lovely.
1st port of call tube station to find out ;
No District Line (engineering works) ,oh well no probs can deal with that
No Northern Line,Bank Branch(engineering works) ,no big deal can use Charing cross Branch
then
No Central Line (flooding) grrrrrrrrrrr
This is takin the piss a bit as trying to get west from East London is now proving tricky but over all not too difficult to get around (and not the point of this rant)
Get to Brixton meet up with the fantastic Mr Reilly and wonderfull Ms Smacked Face and indulge on a wonderful Borough Market fresh fish dinner prepared by the afore mentioned.
What to do now,hmm well tring to stay on the wagon so all pubs and bars are out the window,lets go see a film at the Ritzy which I must say is quite an enjoyable cinema to sit in.
All agreed off we trundle to see ''The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou'' a film that I didn't know what to expect,that turned out to be thoroughly enjoyable even though there was some bobby no mates howling like a stuck pig at parts that weren't even meant to be funny,and I would recommend it to all.
This is where the fun begins.
So the film ends we say our good byes and I realise it's after the last tube,no problems thats what the magic of the night bus is for,isn't it??
Well the answer to that question is NO.
Here I am standing at the bus stop in Brixton looking at the little LED sign saying how long it is till the bus turns up,watching it count down from 10 minutes (not bad thinks I)right down to 'due' then my bus number disappears with no bus passing hmmm oh well there's another in 6 minutes,but alas no the same thing happens again,and again,and again and Im thinkin bunch of arse its gettin cold.So this goes on until a bus appears not lookin to full but the driver obviously didn't like the look of the punters in my bus stop so just glides on by leaving some pretty confused lookin people standing in the cold.This happens 2 more times as the temperature drops and my chance of reproducing dwindles (Not that I ever get the chance).
Finally I get another bus which can link me to another which I board thankfully as I am now visibly shivering.Sitting down now slowly thawing out when a bunch of 10 or so drunk lads enter the upper floor,which one of is carring a piece of 2 x 1 timber,oh brilliant here is little me with my fancy headphones and no energy thinking 'its just my night for this to happen' but thankfully they just ran amock amoungst themselves for half the bus ride and left,back to normal phew.
Headphones and person intact I relaxed until some fuck knuckle decided he wanted to smoke,which I dont mind but opening lots of windows to do so I do mind and I had reached the end of my tether with this evening so I spoke up and thankfully he listened.
Finally I reach the point to swap busses and thank fuck this seemed to be going ok until the number 25 'Bendy' bus showes absolutely rammedand smelling like a brewery,what is it at 2am that makes a huge bus like this have more people than at rush hour??
Finally Im home 2 and a half fucking hours later luckily there is no sharp knives or sleeping pills and there is a law against handguns.
Thanks London Transport

C itizens
U nited against
N once
T ransport
S ystem

Norwegian Madness

So finally on Thursday I got a call for work,it all sounded easy ''can you come down and help with'' Norwegian Independance day''(ooh the glamour)can't be that hard I thought.So in I walk to a room full of rather plain lookin norwegians surrounded by far too many instruments for they're own good,all lookin nordic,happy,and easy goin ,so I started goin about my way sorting things out then all of a sudden soundcheck number one.My god it was a fury of guitars and kick drums,rather a juxtoposition to the happy smiling lads on stage but oh well.So the day trundles on in a wall of noise and strange language being shouted about,and then it happened,it was like satans 'stars in they're eyes'that sort of went like ''Tonight Matthew I'm going to be SATAN SATAN SATAN.
These happy,smiling,blond nice people had turned into satans little helpers with long dyed black hair pierced tattoed and covered in scarification,it just about got to the point where I started looking for the sacrificial goat.
To make things even stranger the aged Norwegian foreign minister and entourage were on the balcony looking like they were sitting round at a tea party.I found this all a bit odd ,I mean if it was German day I would expect Bratwurst and Oom Pa bands ,Or New Zealand Day I'd expect a Haka and some Finn Brothers,so what is it that posseses Norway to represent its national independance day by having Death Metal bands Scream they're lungs out,is it the amount of dark hours in winter??
Now I've been to Norway a few times and I never saw evidence of this,it all seemed to be quite a normal place even to the point of thinking it was straight out of a catalogue.As for music I did see a traditional Norwegian band at a mountain festival and they were as you would probably imagine.
The saving grace to all of this was when I found out I didn't have to stay for the whole gig (phew),all I had to do was get it started make sure all was ok then I could escape.8pm doors are open in come a weird mix of punters as you could probably expect,all awaiting the first act which none of us had seen.
Then it comes ,the absolute pinnacle of humour that has been my day,the first act is one of the band members from 'Aha' yes you remember that 80's pop sensation you either loved or hated,from stadium glory to 1000 people club to play ''singer,songwriter' type dribble.Quite an apt opening for a night of death metal I thought.
Luckily that was it for me I escaped unscathed at this point to the comfort of my own home sanity mainly intact.

Quote for thought

"Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it."
Stephen Leacock