Reality Pope

So the Pope is nearing the end of his reign,and fair play he has had a good innings but now (and I mean no dis-respect) he is reduced to a mumbling old man that is kept alive by nurses and medication,which just is'nt fair.
We need a new Pope and I've come up with a brilliant idea,why dont we select the new pope in best way we know how ;
REALITY POPE
Yup thats right a reality TV show to pick a new pope,think about it wouldnt it be wicked.First off get all the viable candidates plus a few ringuns just to keep the ratings up,then place them all in a big brotheresque church for a week.
Next off we need some challenges,all to be performed in full robes.
1;Find the cross in a swimming pool of jelly
2;100m alter boy leapfrog (clothed)
3; Musical alter boys (either way)

Oh the mind boggles at the possibilities
So next we need the presenters,one of which has to be Davina (like divine) McColl and the next would have to be Dr Jeffery John
Then theres all the merchandise never has there been such an opportunity to sell so many robes , 'Reality Pope communal biscuits' will go down a treat,and Pope on a rope will be in every holy shower room.

Now who wants to place a bet

Oooh Im gonna get struck down by lightning for this one

G ood
O ordinary
D isciples
B leeding
O ff
T he
H oly
R anks

Weather or work

Well I think Mother Nature is'nt Being fair to me.Blizzards and tons of snow everywere,well everywere but round me.Why can't the blizzards hit London,at least then everyone else could be stuck at home like me,getting cabin fever.I want my neighbourhood to be blanketed in the white stuff so i can get some small enjoyment from playing in the snow,instead of sitting indoors watching crap day time telly ,which is either,trying to get me into more debt,putting a bunch of twats in a room to talk shite,or pretending life in suburban Australia is just peachy.So Ma Nature geez sum sno ,either that or someone give me a gig (hopefully the latter).Knowing my luck they will both come at once and Ill be at some venue in London unloading an overloaded 40ft truck in the snow.
I tell you the day I find that guy called Murphy Im gonna come down on him so hard it'll make 'Jake the Muss' look like 'Nana Moon'
So whats it gonna be, work or weather??

heed da wall

So Today I find myself watching the news and wanting to bash my head against the wall in anger, yes you guessed it the chimp commonly known as George Dubya Bush (grrrrrrrrrrr) standing being a smug motherfucker in Brussels, tryin to kiss and make up.
Now I might not be a political analyst but I mean for fucks sake why doesnt the EU just say ''Oi chimp boy you're not fooling us with your Evil Doers and WMD you oil stealing failure of a cowboy pack your saddle bags and fuck off back to daddy'' instead of all this fake smile and handshake bullshit .As the EU could be bigger than the US as a financial power ,it surely has the muscle to do such a thing .At least make him get with the Kyoto or face the consequences especially now old oil bitch Cunt alina Rice on bored ,he isnt exactly being subtle is he aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh Im angry just writing this.
As for the whole Kyoto angle ,there is an easy start like why does the US of A have to produce 6 litre V8 engines to go down the shops when the rest of the world can get around in 2 litre and under motor vehicles, that are still capable of breaking any speed limit. Even on the bigger scale of vehicle the rest of the uncivilised world can do without these monsters so why carry on making them.
And on the subject of WMD what is this shit about starting on Iran, I mean is this gimp un-stoppable, did he just wake up and think hmmm Ive devastated one poor country Im bored lets attack another for oil and blind my gun totin country with a bit of war so they dont see that Im using all their money to line the pockets of my daddys mates who have let me in on their companies.
Its the Old father son thing isnt it like when you were growing up,
''Son Ive nearly finished the lawn can you finish it off''
''Son Ive been washing the car can you finish it off for me''
''Son Ive been wiping out the middle East can you.........''
Any way enough ranting Ive found this lil gem to cheer me up

C ommunities
H ating
I llegal
M ental
P resident

Militia Mycellium

.

Well that wagon I talked about in previous post was misplaced again in the weekend damn it,but I must say I dont regret it after bein hermit for a while I was summoned to get into uniform and report immediatly to one of the funniest most fun outings I have been to in quite some time
Happy Birthday to General Smacked Face and Major Tom (who has hopefully contacted ground control by now) And a big salute to all who attended the barracks for some bawdy ballads
And for those of you that carried on to do an extra tour of duty you will be suitably commended
For those who werent there ,god in some way i envy you and some way I dont ,I mean how can ordinary upstanding members of the community find a whole days entertainment with ; 1 litter pick up stick,1 blue sponge(dry) 1 Small furry hedgehog and a random collection of wigs and clothes oh better not forget the scenic deck of Secret HQ which definitly had a big impression
well the answer was in the rations sent to us from our allies in Mexico Delitefully prepared By kitchen hand Rielly
Also Mother nature giving the woman of the day a big present by snowing on her day ,cheers ma
So my final notes to My small team of experts ;
Clean up your act
Stop spongin
and at a pinch
It takes the cake
when your hedgin your bets

Acronym for the day ;
M ushroom
M ilitia
O n
N ew
S pecial
T actics
A bout
S iliness


Join me next time when Miss Piggy Says;
Put your bot on the spot before you get a bayonet up it

Brother Carlos RIP

Sorry to be on a negative note
But My friend carlos and friend to many across the globe has passed
He was well knoen for his constant ability to turn up and turn something
into a musical instrument or sing about love
Well love to you bro
fly and be free

Notices

Hunter S RIP

Well after getting home finally after a weekend of crazed frivolity thanks to Ms Smacked face and the life o rielly I read that the god Hunter S Thompson has died which is bizarre since I had quite a few Hunter S Moments throughout the weekend this is a sad loss to us all
bye bye Hunter
Read the article either guardian or CNN

Moment of silence please

Suburban boredness

I discovered a new sport for those of you who are bored of suburban life
and feel the need to get out and do somethin interesting

I am not to be blamed for any damages incurred

SUBURBAN SPORT

OOOOOOH Bungle

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS

Riding The wagon

Well so as a New Years Res I decided to jump aboard the wagon of sobrierty
(yeah right I hear you say) well after nearly 2 months (I only fell off once and it f*&^in hurt) this is my report so far;
At first it was amusing especially since i work in the world of clubs and gigs
I got to laugh at people being drunk and bent and think the old thought ''I hope
I dont look like that'' (answer bein probably) but eventually you get the challenges
1 ; GOIN TO THE PUB
It occurs pretty quick that you look like a nob standin in a pub with empty hands
so go for the non alcoholic option and quickly realise that you cant down as many orange juices as pints and when you try you spend most of the time in the loo
brilliant
Secondly trin to go on the pull with no dutch courage is shite
Good points are no hangovers no being robbed by the beer fairies and no wakin up
with undesirables
2 ; GOIN CLUBBIN
All I can say is drugs make people sweat and fart and look stupid
nuff said

So i have another few months ridin this ol wagon and im enjoyin it
honest



no no really I am

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

More proof of higher intelligence

dough boy

Umbrellas

So here it is as winter is comin upon us one of my most hated things has come back which I
had forgotten all about and that is Umbrellas I mean how did it become legal and possible in this day and age of Health and Safety that some human being can pick up a weapon with many pointed ends become completely unaware of any other human being and start prancing about the busy ol city attempting to take peoples eyes out??? I remember umbrellas that curved so that the ends pointed down hence not gouging eyes and faces of innocent bystanders at the bus stop!So the kids have to were goggles to play conkers does this mean we are all gonna have to were goggles to walk in the city during rainy season??
Lets start a movement I say

A ll
H umans
F or
U mbrella
K ontrol

------------------------------Y--------------------------------------------

These must be the questions that ponder most of humanity, they sound so reasonable, dont they?
1. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
2. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
3. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
4. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
5. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
6. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
7. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
8. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
9. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
10. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
11. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
12. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
13. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
14. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
15. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
16. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
17.Why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway

and finally my favourite
18. Why are Asteroids from the hemisphere and Hemmeroids from your .............................

Doorway Blockers

So it has finally come to my attention that the old song ''and you'll always find them in the kitchen at parties'' Should now be edited to ''And you'll always find them in the DOORWAYS at
gigs '' I ve been noticing it of late especially in venues I mean what sort of fuk wit turns up at a venue thats rammed walks down the main stairs then stops at the bottom with 50-100 odd people behind them and thinks ill just stop here and have a look about then gets grumpy when he/she gets bumped into I mean are they thinkin that they are the only person in the place they deserve to be trampled to death I say then hung on the wall as an example.Next on the agenda is Loo doorways lets have a ''Oh my god I havent seen you in years'' conversation in a 3 foot wide cavity that a lot of desperate people are tryin to pass through to either pee/poo/do drugs/vomit/shag/get back to dance floor etc etc I mean for fucks sake and when these people start showing signs of irritation at getting knocked into someone should toss them like a salad out the way this all came to fruition when in the weekend I was in a club walkin down a rather wide staircase which one side was covered in melting munters as usual and the other side which is usually kept free for um walking down maybe?? was blocked by 3 people sitting and 3 standing having a gibberish where discussion about what room to be in (There fuckin own bedroom if i had my way) so i tried to squeeze past to no avail my claustraphobicness kicked in
and i shoved passed which was greeted by a OI MATE MIND IT so I stopped in my tracks slowly turned around and replied with oh im sorry I thought this was a FUCKIN STAIRCASE you spotty little pack of fucks (God it made me feel good) so one of them grabbed a security guard little did they know I worked there so they were promptly moved along and told next time sit in a seat heheheheehehe
So next time you are out and you see someone thinking they are the only one in the planet
and blocking a door/staircase walk up to them politely tap them on the shoulder look at the doorway/staircase and say excuse me is this a doorway/staircase and when they say yes reply with hmmm goog I was sure it wasnt a bus stop............twat and walk away you will enjoy it
So New Movement;
Devoted
Entertainers
Against
Thick
Humans
Blocking
Every
Doorway

join us next time when Miss Piggy says ''you wanna stick that where''...........
''For how much''''''