And another thing

Well Im back,after a long period with nothing to rant about,I finally have something well not my thoughts but some that have been passed on to me that i totally agree with.
After another very long festival summer these are some of the points that have been brought to my attention ;


Yeah!!!! We did it

1 Why do we have to queue for an hour to get a VIP band? There is no money exchanging, just hand your ticket over and done – but for some reason we are stuck in a sodding Alton Towers style snake for over an hour in the pissing rain – WHY?

2 Why did the VIP bar not take vouchers causing huge queues in a room that was heated like a turkish sauna?

3 Tea ladies walking around at 8:00pm when no one in their right minds wanted to consume hot drinks BUT in the morning Oh no – get in ANOTHER queue, whilst nursing the hangover from hell, only to be served 45 minutes later by a Jack
Duckworth look-a-like at a rancid burger van all for a polystyrene cup of piss

4 A Campsite with "NO CAMPSITE FIRES" sign - where's the fucking soul in this place

5 I have a weekend pass….So why do I have to wait until 12:00 to get in the next day and hang around like a lost child at the school gates?! Its not an all weekend pass is it ??!!– it’s a freaking 2 afternoon pass. Let me in you fcukers to get a cup of bloody tea!!!!

6 The only pub around has no bar snacks, no decent beer, no toilets and plays dodgy rock music at deafening levels, I'm paying £3 for a pint of weak lager you fucks sort the mess out

7 You wait all day listening to dull ex-public school boys bleeting on about lost love on an overcrowded field until some decent act comes on, then you put the only 2 good bands on at the same time….. then finish all the music at 11;00 ! – A complete bloody, off home you go kids, shut down!

8 Some fat old slag in the tent next to you talking about vibrators and lesbian sex at 5 in the morning all to impress the
gay boy from the virgin press office. VIP camping my arse

9 Not a single sniff of an after party to be had ANYWHERE on site – leaving you wandering around a muddy pitch-black field listening out for any sound of music on the wind, eventually going to bed earlier than you do on a bloody school night!

10 Shit fucking beer next time get the event sponsored by someone other than fucking Carling

New Movement

F estivals
U nder
C ommunity
K are

Seasons abuse

Greetings to all
Hope you all survive the shit season without getting either food poisoning,stabbed by a family member,alcohol poisoning or just slitting your own wrist.
See you on the other side unless I get banged up for strangeling the next moron that mentions the C word.
Bah F&%ckin Humbug !

Channel friends

It has come to my attention that Channel 4 empire should be renamed 'Channel Friends'or 'Channel Re-run'.Recently everytime I turn to one of C4's many channels (More 4 excluded) it seems to be one of the Friends series, the O.C.,Grand Design or some other over played show.
So is this because the Lost series cost so much that they can't spend any money on new stuff,i dunno.
Either way it's just ridiculous that if your channel surf in the correct way you can watch every season of friends simultaneously,not even in chronolgical order and still never see the last one,which i have never seen and the main reason for this gripe.
Note to self ; Get out more.
Right gotta go Friends is on (the 4th series)

Chriscombobulated

Oh it’s finally arrived,yes it’s here the time when people take the Christmas deco’s
From the box and replace the space with they’re brain.i forgot how bad it was till
Last week when I was driving through the outer rims of London at night to be blinded by
The decorations on houses obviously owned by morons.
I mean not only do most mere mortals go into a frenzy of consumerism on the high street buying tons of worthless shit but now the amd consumerism moves into the utility suppliers in the form of stupid electricity bills courtesy of a flashing santa and a few glowing reindeer.
It’s lucky none of them are my neighbours as I would be scaling they’re roofs armed with a pair of pliers.
I don’t want to sound like Uncle Scrooge but isn’t Christmas a right pain in the arse, I mean we have to put up with people madly shopping with no brain , being bombarded with marketing thrusted at you from every direction and shit TV for days and then there’s the closing of all the shops and pubs for days grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
It’s sort of like when you were kids and one of your mates pretended it was they’re birthday to get some attention or presents,so surely since there was no Jesus and the whole fucking thing is a myth we can just call it off.
We don’t need some mythical date to make us buy people presents,how about if your out and you see something that you think ‘ooh so and so would like that’ then just get it for them,or if one of your mates does you a favour then get them something nice,instead of waiting all year to turn into a consumerist moron because of a myth.
So if your going to turn into aforementioned moron why not jsut have lunch and spend the rest of your money on families and children who have been struck by poverty or disaster and there's plenty of that around at the moment thanks to the good ol US of Arse
Bring back feeding them to the lions I say.
New movement ;

S top
S antas
H ell

Spot the Mistake #2

Scary comparisons #1

Spot the Mistake

Due to the big old melting pot that London is, and the language barriers that lie withinit causes the occasional spelling mistake on commercial signage,which I find humourous and easy to spot,so I am starting a series of the ones I spot and manage to snap on my phone (finally I found a reason for a camera phone) also with the cold months ahead a small chuckle to oneself should provide a little warmth, so here is number one;

Recombobulating

Well my festival summer has finally come to an end and I'm filled with mixed emotion, one half of me is glad to be home and be able to sleep in a bed, cook, and have clean clothes. The other half of me is wants to still be running amuck in the country, living in an alter reality and generally forgetting the real world exists.
However I'm sure the PFD (Post Festival Depression) will dissolve and normal services will resume shortly.
So I am going to try and do a revue of the festy's I went to and the madness that lies within, enjoy.

Glastonbury;
Well My previous post explains most of it really but I will say that it is one of the maddest things that exists on this planet and is a must do.

Secret Mansion Party;
This is a little thousand odd people party that has been goin for a few years which I have the joy of being part of. This year I took my friend Reilly who by looks of it had a rather good time.
The thing about this weekend is it's more about people hangin out rather than a music festival, which is the main ingredient in making it a mad hatteresque tea party.
It starts with arriving in front of a grand stately manor, making your way round the house to the grounds with beautiful views over a large lake and from there the party begins.
One of the best things is there is people that I only see when I'm at this party so you spend a lot of time catching up, and it also causes everyone to make lots of effort in dressing up, being decadent and generally being silly.
So after Fridays catching up session we tried to sleep in on Saturday waking to have breakfast, have a swim in the pool and enjoy a hot shower and say goodbye to sanity, as today is the big day where we all dress up for a group aerial photo, watch the war planes do stunts overhead, drink champers and get ready to party.
Saturday night consisted of getting on it with my mates and diving into the old undercroft of the house to have a boogie in the many themed out rooms returning to ground level at sunrise for well needed bloody mary's at the top notch 42 Below cocktail bar provided by Crazy Baldhead.
So onward and most definitely upward we moved the couch down to poolside to enjoy the summer fuelled by cocktails, nitrous and philosophers stone then just when it couldn't get any better we moved out to the lawn to watch the one and only Rolf Harris play some of his hits and I don't know why but in the mood I was in I couldn't resist shouting 'Play something new for once' and 'after all these years can't you write something new' he he.
Sunday night was time to enter the giant purple inflatable dome to have a boogie, once inside we discovered it was like a giant bouncy castle crossed with a club, being able to boogie about then launch yourself into the wall was one of the best experience I have had.
Leavin this one is always emotional, but it was time to move on.

Guilfest;

Well you couldn’t go between two different festivals in a day it was like a time warp back to an era of late 80s to mid 90s and standin square in the middle of the road

However I managed to get students to do most of my job and spent most of the time drinkin quality cider and havin a laugh really.

My highlight of this weekend was seeing the full version of the Pogues for the first time, but with the site closing at midnight there are no real stories of debauchery unfortunately.

Big Chill ;
Well what can I say it has been my favourite festival for a long time and to make it better I got asked to play, how could I refuse.
So off we went in the camper on Thursday to get a good location to set up the Hacienda Hospitality camp-----> as we got named. So with camp fully set up we went about relaxing and preparing for the chaos that lay ahead. So I thought I better go and check in to see when and where I was playing, thinking that I might be in a small tent on Sunday afternoon but alas no, to my shock I was playing 11pm Saturday night on the second biggest stage eeeeeeeek talk about nerves. There was only one thing for it return to Hacienda and drink cocktails into the wee hours, just what the doctor ordered.
Friday came upon us and so did our mates and the good weather, about 9pm we thought we better venture over the hill into the festival but I soon decided that Returning to our own cocktail bar where I could play tunes and dance round the firepot. It was just after this that a couple of neighbours trying to sleep thought 'if ya can't beat em,join em' and thank god they did ,new friends to party with hurrah, which we did till sunrise, again.
Upon waking on Saturday our new found friends and neighbours had made top notch bloody mary’s, which I had to be careful with as I was going to play that night.
And play I did, only just though as I was brickin it so much my hands were in fits of shakes however we pulled it off and the natural high at the end was so good I had to add to it all through the night until Mr Leary visited us for a liquid breakfast. At this point I had to rid myself of all reason adorn the kilt, find myself a red card and whistle then head to the fields to enjoy the sun with Mr Norman Jay mbe providing the aural massage for Sunday.
Now you might be thinking why the red card and whistle, well this was an idea I stole from some friends, it involves taking your red card and whistle to the dance floor and sending people off for silly reasons and there is hours of fun in it I tell thee. The rest of the days highlights were The UK Ukulele Orchestra (a must see in my books), The Beat and Sunday nights Big Chill FM.

Yet another fantastic year at the Big Chill any way onward and upward.

Frickley Hollow ;
Frickley Hollow had its maiden voyage this year on a beautiful farm in East Sussex and was mainly a fund raiser for Tsunami victims in Sri Lanka as the 2 people putting it on were in it, so the money was personally handed over to actual families, which is a nice touch.
However Ol' Ma Nature wasn't into it so it pissed down most of the weekend so not much happened. Hence the highlight being two mates and I sittin in a Combi covered in a tarp, listening to old house tapes in a twisted fashion.
End of.

Fawlsley Faire;
No sooner had I touched back down at home I was plucked straight from it and taken northward to Banbury into a little valley surrounded by myths for a little festival in a more laid back style.This time it was to look after a band and work in the cocktail bar, but I had the added bonus of a big tent hosting a birthday for one of my friends so most of the time I was there with loads of mates playin records and havin a big ol' boogie. However this caused problems as I was meant to play at a gig in London which, due to my state I ended up missing, doh.This also escalated even more when I returned to realize I had my dates mixed up and I had to leave that day to get on the tour bus and head to :

Leeds Weekender;
Talk about chalk and cheese, after a summer of electronic and hippy festivals I end it with a big old rock fest, sods law eh.
But all in all it wasn't too bad as some of my favourite old acts such as ,Iggy and the Stooges (varicous veins on the neck ain't a good look), The Pixies, Roots Manuva and The Foo Fighters.
Work wise all I had to do was look after the comedy stage which, in theory, should have been a doddle but no.
To start with on Friday night I had Dirty Sanchez on my stage so I had to cover everything in plastic so it didn't get covered in the back spray from the beer enema or bits of flesh from the arse meets metal grinder escapade and so on and so on.
Next up my mates The Cuban Brothers were up and any of you who know them will know how funny they can be hence after the show I ended up havin a wee tipple with them backstage which got me right in the mood.
Luckily the video girls had a plan so with me entail off we went into the camping ground where a small bunch had gathered what a recipe, booze, campfire, strangers, hurray. Another surprise came when the owners of the campervan pulled out a small drum kit and two small battery powered guitar amps and played some amazing seminal rock, it was at this point I realized the guy next to me was Pancho from Dirty Sanchez who after a few words thought it was a good idea for us both to do some stage diving off the roof of the camper, I dunno, the situations I end up in?
It's these situations that make me realize I'm like Pringles 'Once you pop you can't stop' and this is no exception, Pancho and I decide to wander back to my bus to pick up beer and Jagermeister only to be stopped at the gate to the bus park with some jobs worth telling me I can't go in because he doesn't understand the meaning of 'ALL ACCESS PASS' .This ended up in near riot when I told them where to go and barged pass the guy only to be pinned to the ground by 5 oxygen thieves awaiting they're leader. Thank god the boss showed up, apologized and gave the vacant skull brigade a shouting ahha suckers.
After this I do have a bit of a blank spot but next thing I know Pancho and I are in the process of taking an electric wheelchair and he has run over someone’s tent, scaring the life out of them and ending up having to hide from wardens which doesn’t work and results in Pancho payin out £90 in damages he he.
The rest of the weekend was spent pretending to work and sleeping sometimes at the same time, actually mostly at the same time however it was a fitting finish to a festival summer as I think it was catching up on me.
So now hibernation and ranting can resume as normal...