Discombobulation

And another thing

2006-09-06T10:04:00.000+01:00

Well Im back,after a long period with nothing to rant about,I finally have something well not my thoughts but some that have been passed on to me that i totally agree with.
After another very long festival summer these are some of the points that have been brought to my attention ;

Yeah!!!! We did it

1 Why do we have to queue for an hour to get a VIP band? There is no money exchanging, just hand your ticket over and done – but for some reason we are stuck in a sodding Alton Towers style snake for over an hour in the pissing rain – WHY?

2 Why did the VIP bar not take vouchers causing huge queues in a room that was heated like a turkish sauna?

3 Tea ladies walking around at 8:00pm when no one in their right minds wanted to consume hot drinks BUT in the morning Oh no – get in ANOTHER queue, whilst nursing the hangover from hell, only to be served 45 minutes later by a Jack
Duckworth look-a-like at a rancid burger van all for a polystyrene cup of piss

4 A Campsite with "NO CAMPSITE FIRES" sign - where's the fucking soul in this place

5 I have a weekend pass….So why do I have to wait until 12:00 to get in the next day and hang around like a lost child at the school gates?! Its not an all weekend pass is it ??!!– it’s a freaking 2 afternoon pass. Let me in you fcukers to get a cup of bloody tea!!!!

6 The only pub around has no bar snacks, no decent beer, no toilets and plays dodgy rock music at deafening levels, I'm paying £3 for a pint of weak lager you fucks sort the mess out

7 You wait all day listening to dull ex-public school boys bleeting on about lost love on an overcrowded field until some decent act comes on, then you put the only 2 good bands on at the same time….. then finish all the music at 11;00 ! – A complete bloody, off home you go kids, shut down!

8 Some fat old slag in the tent next to you talking about vibrators and lesbian sex at 5 in the morning all to impress the
gay boy from the virgin press office. VIP camping my arse

9 Not a single sniff of an after party to be had ANYWHERE on site – leaving you wandering around a muddy pitch-black field listening out for any sound of music on the wind, eventually going to bed earlier than you do on a bloody school night!

10 Shit fucking beer next time get the event sponsored by someone other than fucking Carling

New Movement

F estivals
U nder
C ommunity
K are

Seasons abuse

2005-12-20T17:04:00.000Z

Greetings to all
Hope you all survive the shit season without getting either food poisoning,stabbed by a family member,alcohol poisoning or just slitting your own wrist.
See you on the other side unless I get banged up for strangeling the next moron that mentions the C word.
Bah F&%ckin Humbug !

Channel friends

2005-12-20T16:17:00.000Z

It has come to my attention that Channel 4 empire should be renamed 'Channel Friends'or 'Channel Re-run'.Recently everytime I turn to one of C4's many channels (More 4 excluded) it seems to be one of the Friends series, the O.C.,Grand Design or some other over played show.
So is this because the Lost series cost so much that they can't spend any money on new stuff,i dunno.
Either way it's just ridiculous that if your channel surf in the correct way you can watch every season of friends simultaneously,not even in chronolgical order and still never see the last one,which i have never seen and the main reason for this gripe.
Note to self ; Get out more.
Right gotta go Friends is on (the 4th series)

Chriscombobulated

2005-12-12T11:15:00.000Z

Oh it’s finally arrived,yes it’s here the time when people take the Christmas deco’s
From the box and replace the space with they’re brain.i forgot how bad it was till
Last week when I was driving through the outer rims of London at night to be blinded by
The decorations on houses obviously owned by morons.
I mean not only do most mere mortals go into a frenzy of consumerism on the high street buying tons of worthless shit but now the amd consumerism moves into the utility suppliers in the form of stupid electricity bills courtesy of a flashing santa and a few glowing reindeer.
It’s lucky none of them are my neighbours as I would be scaling they’re roofs armed with a pair of pliers.
I don’t want to sound like Uncle Scrooge but isn’t Christmas a right pain in the arse, I mean we have to put up with people madly shopping with no brain , being bombarded with marketing thrusted at you from every direction and shit TV for days and then there’s the closing of all the shops and pubs for days grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
It’s sort of like when you were kids and one of your mates pretended it was they’re birthday to get some attention or presents,so surely since there was no Jesus and the whole fucking thing is a myth we can just call it off.
We don’t need some mythical date to make us buy people presents,how about if your out and you see something that you think ‘ooh so and so would like that’ then just get it for them,or if one of your mates does you a favour then get them something nice,instead of waiting all year to turn into a consumerist moron because of a myth.
So if your going to turn into aforementioned moron why not jsut have lunch and spend the rest of your money on families and children who have been struck by poverty or disaster and there's plenty of that around at the moment thanks to the good ol US of Arse
Bring back feeding them to the lions I say.
New movement ;

S top
S antas
H ell

Spot the Mistake #2

2005-11-02T12:06:00.000Z

Scary comparisons #1

2005-10-20T00:45:00.000+01:00

Spot the Mistake

2005-10-19T16:36:00.000+01:00

Due to the big old melting pot that London is, and the language barriers that lie withinit causes the occasional spelling mistake on commercial signage,which I find humourous and easy to spot,so I am starting a series of the ones I spot and manage to snap on my phone (finally I found a reason for a camera phone) also with the cold months ahead a small chuckle to oneself should provide a little warmth, so here is number one;

Recombobulating

2005-09-21T11:16:00.000+01:00

Well my festival summer has finally come to an end and I'm filled with mixed emotion, one half of me is glad to be home and be able to sleep in a bed, cook, and have clean clothes. The other half of me is wants to still be running amuck in the country, living in an alter reality and generally forgetting the real world exists.
However I'm sure the PFD (Post Festival Depression) will dissolve and normal services will resume shortly.
So I am going to try and do a revue of the festy's I went to and the madness that lies within, enjoy.

Glastonbury;
Well My previous post explains most of it really but I will say that it is one of the maddest things that exists on this planet and is a must do.

Secret Mansion Party;
This is a little thousand odd people party that has been goin for a few years which I have the joy of being part of. This year I took my friend Reilly who by looks of it had a rather good time.
The thing about this weekend is it's more about people hangin out rather than a music festival, which is the main ingredient in making it a mad hatteresque tea party.
It starts with arriving in front of a grand stately manor, making your way round the house to the grounds with beautiful views over a large lake and from there the party begins.
One of the best things is there is people that I only see when I'm at this party so you spend a lot of time catching up, and it also causes everyone to make lots of effort in dressing up, being decadent and generally being silly.
So after Fridays catching up session we tried to sleep in on Saturday waking to have breakfast, have a swim in the pool and enjoy a hot shower and say goodbye to sanity, as today is the big day where we all dress up for a group aerial photo, watch the war planes do stunts overhead, drink champers and get ready to party.
Saturday night consisted of getting on it with my mates and diving into the old undercroft of the house to have a boogie in the many themed out rooms returning to ground level at sunrise for well needed bloody mary's at the top notch 42 Below cocktail bar provided by Crazy Baldhead.
So onward and most definitely upward we moved the couch down to poolside to enjoy the summer fuelled by cocktails, nitrous and philosophers stone then just when it couldn't get any better we moved out to the lawn to watch the one and only Rolf Harris play some of his hits and I don't know why but in the mood I was in I couldn't resist shouting 'Play something new for once' and 'after all these years can't you write something new' he he.
Sunday night was time to enter the giant purple inflatable dome to have a boogie, once inside we discovered it was like a giant bouncy castle crossed with a club, being able to boogie about then launch yourself into the wall was one of the best experience I have had.
Leavin this one is always emotional, but it was time to move on.

Guilfest;

Well you couldn’t go between two different festivals in a day it was like a time warp back to an era of late 80s to mid 90s and standin square in the middle of the road

However I managed to get students to do most of my job and spent most of the time drinkin quality cider and havin a laugh really.

My highlight of this weekend was seeing the full version of the Pogues for the first time, but with the site closing at midnight there are no real stories of debauchery unfortunately.

Big Chill ;
Well what can I say it has been my favourite festival for a long time and to make it better I got asked to play, how could I refuse.
So off we went in the camper on Thursday to get a good location to set up the Hacienda Hospitality camp-----> as we got named. So with camp fully set up we went about relaxing and preparing for the chaos that lay ahead. So I thought I better go and check in to see when and where I was playing, thinking that I might be in a small tent on Sunday afternoon but alas no, to my shock I was playing 11pm Saturday night on the second biggest stage eeeeeeeek talk about nerves. There was only one thing for it return to Hacienda and drink cocktails into the wee hours, just what the doctor ordered.
Friday came upon us and so did our mates and the good weather, about 9pm we thought we better venture over the hill into the festival but I soon decided that Returning to our own cocktail bar where I could play tunes and dance round the firepot. It was just after this that a couple of neighbours trying to sleep thought 'if ya can't beat em,join em' and thank god they did ,new friends to party with hurrah, which we did till sunrise, again.
Upon waking on Saturday our new found friends and neighbours had made top notch bloody mary’s, which I had to be careful with as I was going to play that night.
And play I did, only just though as I was brickin it so much my hands were in fits of shakes however we pulled it off and the natural high at the end was so good I had to add to it all through the night until Mr Leary visited us for a liquid breakfast. At this point I had to rid myself of all reason adorn the kilt, find myself a red card and whistle then head to the fields to enjoy the sun with Mr Norman Jay mbe providing the aural massage for Sunday.
Now you might be thinking why the red card and whistle, well this was an idea I stole from some friends, it involves taking your red card and whistle to the dance floor and sending people off for silly reasons and there is hours of fun in it I tell thee. The rest of the days highlights were The UK Ukulele Orchestra (a must see in my books), The Beat and Sunday nights Big Chill FM.

Yet another fantastic year at the Big Chill any way onward and upward.

Frickley Hollow ;
Frickley Hollow had its maiden voyage this year on a beautiful farm in East Sussex and was mainly a fund raiser for Tsunami victims in Sri Lanka as the 2 people putting it on were in it, so the money was personally handed over to actual families, which is a nice touch.
However Ol' Ma Nature wasn't into it so it pissed down most of the weekend so not much happened. Hence the highlight being two mates and I sittin in a Combi covered in a tarp, listening to old house tapes in a twisted fashion.
End of.

Fawlsley Faire;
No sooner had I touched back down at home I was plucked straight from it and taken northward to Banbury into a little valley surrounded by myths for a little festival in a more laid back style.This time it was to look after a band and work in the cocktail bar, but I had the added bonus of a big tent hosting a birthday for one of my friends so most of the time I was there with loads of mates playin records and havin a big ol' boogie. However this caused problems as I was meant to play at a gig in London which, due to my state I ended up missing, doh.This also escalated even more when I returned to realize I had my dates mixed up and I had to leave that day to get on the tour bus and head to :

Leeds Weekender;
Talk about chalk and cheese, after a summer of electronic and hippy festivals I end it with a big old rock fest, sods law eh.
But all in all it wasn't too bad as some of my favourite old acts such as ,Iggy and the Stooges (varicous veins on the neck ain't a good look), The Pixies, Roots Manuva and The Foo Fighters.
Work wise all I had to do was look after the comedy stage which, in theory, should have been a doddle but no.
To start with on Friday night I had Dirty Sanchez on my stage so I had to cover everything in plastic so it didn't get covered in the back spray from the beer enema or bits of flesh from the arse meets metal grinder escapade and so on and so on.
Next up my mates The Cuban Brothers were up and any of you who know them will know how funny they can be hence after the show I ended up havin a wee tipple with them backstage which got me right in the mood.
Luckily the video girls had a plan so with me entail off we went into the camping ground where a small bunch had gathered what a recipe, booze, campfire, strangers, hurray. Another surprise came when the owners of the campervan pulled out a small drum kit and two small battery powered guitar amps and played some amazing seminal rock, it was at this point I realized the guy next to me was Pancho from Dirty Sanchez who after a few words thought it was a good idea for us both to do some stage diving off the roof of the camper, I dunno, the situations I end up in?
It's these situations that make me realize I'm like Pringles 'Once you pop you can't stop' and this is no exception, Pancho and I decide to wander back to my bus to pick up beer and Jagermeister only to be stopped at the gate to the bus park with some jobs worth telling me I can't go in because he doesn't understand the meaning of 'ALL ACCESS PASS' .This ended up in near riot when I told them where to go and barged pass the guy only to be pinned to the ground by 5 oxygen thieves awaiting they're leader. Thank god the boss showed up, apologized and gave the vacant skull brigade a shouting ahha suckers.
After this I do have a bit of a blank spot but next thing I know Pancho and I are in the process of taking an electric wheelchair and he has run over someone’s tent, scaring the life out of them and ending up having to hide from wardens which doesn’t work and results in Pancho payin out £90 in damages he he.
The rest of the weekend was spent pretending to work and sleeping sometimes at the same time, actually mostly at the same time however it was a fitting finish to a festival summer as I think it was catching up on me.
So now hibernation and ranting can resume as normal...

Flea Pod

2005-07-18T17:27:00.000+01:00

This is for all you I-pod geeks
check this out
Now don't say I never give you anything

Summer tastic

2005-07-18T14:21:00.000+01:00

Well it's still goin on the constant barrage of summer festivals and I'm lovin it when I get back proper I will tell all,especially last weekend at a private posh party with my best friend Rielly in front of a stately manor but at the moment it's so mad I'm buyin clothes as I have no time to wash em
bring it on
I'll document it all (that I remember)soon

Glastonbobulated

2005-06-30T11:18:00.000+01:00

Ahh where do I start.
Arriving on site at 1am tuesday night unawares to the scale of the site,set up tent in backstage and off to sleep for 3hrs.
Upon rising i realised that the rest of the lads had made an awesome camp consisting of a VW camper,awning,tall tent containing solar shower and chemical loo,fire pot,and furniture and if that wasnt enough just next to us a bar was bein constructed for us and it was only tuesday.
So on we went making the dance village shine revelling in the glorious weather until we finished work on Thursday afternoon and it was time to relax and party and take my first wander around the site,my god its huge.
About 4am I was thinkin about goin to bed when the storm hit watching it roll over the hill was amazing one of the best storms Ive seen ever mad lightning (6 bolts at once hitting the ground) and ferocious rain then the boss comes over and tells us one of the tents has collapsed and we have to get our gear out,oh joy working knee deep in water with power cables floating past and walking through the field with a big metal ladder with lightning hitting circus tents next to us,from there it was straight into openin my stage and the madness began.Thank God we were up high on site rather than down the bottom with this lot
Friday consisted of getting my kilt on (and it stayed on all weekend), backstage bar madness wading through a knee deep mud lake to see The Secret Machines and it was soooo worth it followed by all night backstage bar chaos enhanced by bumping into an old friend of mine from NZ who was there making a Glasto Doco for TVNZ.
Saturday was quite calm but I did see the Stereo Mcs who I thought I would never see in my life and they were better than I imagined playin all the old classics.
Sunday was wandering day,down to lost vagueness patting the robotic horse on the way,watching madness unfold around us ,watching The Bays rock it, seeing Seeed play a powerful set, finishing the night in the lounge bar with Giles Petterson playing 'All you need is love' by the Beatles with everyone singin along (there was a tear in my eye),hmm now where to go yes you guessed it backstage bar where the girls had layed on the Sambucas and even I got behind the bar,so adorning a sparkling tiara I started pouring drinks , my 3rd customer seemed rather familiar then i clicked it was Howard Marx so I got him to sign my kilt and sat down and had a chat ,what a funny bloke,upon returning to the bar I met Rufus from 808 State ,one of my old favourites I was sitting around some of some of my heroes,this is what Glastonbury is about forget all the band hoo haa it's the magic of the people and the random goings on that make it for me.
So as the sun came up it was time for some stiff coffee and of to pull it all apart,oh joy,once all that was done it was about 3pm so what else to do but find a party which led to another and another until it was about 6am at dickies bar and it was time to walk back up the hill passing the deserted camp grounds which looked like war zones.

and that was my Glastonbury (well the bits i remember)
My conclusions ;
-Kilts are the best thing to wear at festivals
-Mud washes off
-Randomness rocks
-Comin back to reality sucks
-Hurry up 2007
And favourite sayin;
Arse like grannys tea towel holder
hehe

The fields a beckon

2005-06-17T00:04:00.000+01:00

Hurrah hurrah I got the call I thought wasever gonna come,yup thats right I'm goin to Glastonbury yeeeeeeeeee haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa .
Goin for a week to do one of the dance tents finally my cherry will be popped.
watch this space for a rambling recollection.

says it all

2005-06-14T17:47:00.000+01:00

The weekend that wasn't (in my memory)

2005-06-14T16:35:00.000+01:00

Well the title says it all really it all started so innocently.Friday night off to work for the first time in two weeks after a shite coughing flu, the night went well finished at 5am bumped into a mate who suggested a wee tipple in a 24hr snooker club (wee tipple,yeah right).All of a sudden I realised the time,midday DOH!
Then it was off too the Toast Festival on the bus which is where it all starts gettin fuzzy,so if anyone found bits of a memory please contact me.However the bits i do have are like blipverts containing Champagne,snogging good friends,odd phone calls,and dodgyness back stage.
Another look at clock and Doh yet again its 7:30pm time to go to work again which was at the Type night (in my mind one of the best monthlys in london) saw Loco Dice play an awesome set before Seb Fontaine rocked it also.
Now it's 6am and its off to fabric to see the end of Carl Craig and visit some friends,who in turn suggest goin out after Mr craig and yours truly stupidly,stupidly agreed to (I need help).
Now we find ourselves in a disused underground toilet next to Spittlefields called Public Life, wearing silly hats listen to the legendary Mr C playin.Written down this sounds preposterous,toilet,sunday morn,Mr C go figure.Anyhow it was good,really good in fact.
Now you may think thats quite a weekend full but alas no,it was a short stroll round to the Big Chill bar for some Bloody Marys and a regroup before heading to Secret Sundaze.Upon arrival there was a massive cue which I found extremely daunting,but somehow thanks to the powers that be we just floated past it all and in the front door without handing over any silver,don't ask me why as it's startin to go hazy about here,so if anyone in that cue found any more bits of memory do the right thing,ta.
Any of you who have been to Secret Sundaze will know all about it but to those of you who haven't been (me included till Sunday gone) It's all good outdoors phat tunes and a lovely party feel.
Whilst at the bar the rest of my memory fell out as the next thing I know I'm being woken up by a train driver to inform me to get off the train as it's the last one and I' m in Cockfosters.
WHAT Cockfosters apparently I had left liverpool st at 8ish,oh shit,then upon staggering out of the tube I got on a bus to discover i had no credit on my oyster card but luckily I had some coins.
Next thing I'm being woken up again this time at High Barnet can it get any worse,well yes as it happens because it is now I realise that I'm pennyless and have sat on my money card breaking it into lot's of pieces and it's Midnight in High barnet and I live in South London.So on the blag I went and found someone to give me they're travelcard,thank fuck.
After waiting an hour a bus finally came that got me home by 2am.
Phew
When will I ever learn.

P.S if any of you saw me on the weekend and I did something good or bad I would love to know as I have no recollection,ta.

And whilst we are on the subject

2005-06-10T12:43:00.000+01:00

Bloody ringtones
Yes that's right those little sequences of beeps that get on my tits like nobodies business reared they're ugly little heads again.
This time it was in the form of a middle aged well to do woman on the bus,texting the old skool way (non predictive) with the keypad beeps on grrr and loud,aaaaaaaaaaand in between sending and receiving going through all the ringtones in her phone,inconsiderate bitch.lucky I was only on the bus for a few stops as I was reaching boiling point,and by the look of the other passengers faces when I got off I wasn't alone.
So why is it in this country no one says anything to people like this??
I have decided to start making a concious effort to reverse this problem,in fact i started the other night whilst sitting outside the Big Chill bar when some little princess turned up at our table and demanded the outdoor heater be turned on,even after we explained why it wasn't on claiming ''I don't care Im cold'' to which i replied well go inside then,made sense to me?
any way this went on for a bit until she sarcastically remarked ''Oh your sooo hurting my feelings'' so I retorted with '' well whilst your feeling why don't you feel your way to a night bus and FUCK OFF HOME!!''
Selfish bitch doesn't she know it's all about me.
So on with the Movement to sort out selfish people I say.

B ringing
R espect and
U nderstanding to
S elfish
H umans

Karaoke buskin

2005-06-10T12:26:00.000+01:00

What is it with busking these days,I mean everywhere you go whether it be the tube station ar down the street you see these supposed buskers with a little stereo and some bullshit weak as piss mp3 backing track playing some naff song while they play there little part over the top.I don't know about you but to me that ain't busking its just glorified karaoke .
I remember the day when buskers all sounded like Billy Bragg singing an original or a version of something,not standing around being a musical karaoke twat.
Carling and London Underground should not issue busking licences to these people as they are not busking they are just avoiding the fact that they can't sing, they should fuck of to some crap pub and join the other leagues of pissed karaoke kings and queens,or just do as I do and stay at home and play in your own air band.

Cook the man some eggs

2005-06-02T13:03:00.000+01:00

Now those of you who know me will know about my addiction to eggs,and that I am constantly on a quest to find the best eggy delight there is (Ms Smackie is a top contender).
I thought I had seen it all until I came across this little recipe for the perfect fried egg from Michelin Chef Bernard Loiseau.
To start its best to use a stainless steel egg ring and a small non-stick frying pan.

Pre-Heat oven(thats right oven) to 245C gas mark 9.Break the egg and carefully seperate the white from the yolk,making sure to keep the yolk whole.Put aknob of butter and a soupspoon of water in the frying pan and heat until foaming.Salt and pepper the pan so that the underside of the egg gets seasoned also.When the butter starts to foam,carefully slide in the white.
Put in the oven and cook nfor a minute and a half.the top should still be trembling.Now season the top-seasoning the white means you won't tarnish the yolks colour.
Now place the raw yolk in the centre of the white and return to the oven for 2 minutes.Dot with a few drops of balsamic vinegar and serve.

Now thats cookin the man some eggs.
So for those of you whos house I wake up in sometimes and for those of you who are yet to have the pleasure,I recommend printing these instructions and I look forward to having breakfast with you.
hehehehehe

Kill The F@#king frog

2005-06-02T12:45:00.000+01:00

Oh it's driving me insane,where the fuck did the crazy frog come from one day he doesn't exist then all of a sudden he's there twice an ad break with his ring ding ding grrrrrrrrrrr.
I tell ya if I ever hear someone say that they had something to do with it or that they work for jamster there is not even going to be a word its gonna be straight to the glaswegian kiss.
And secondly if I ever hear that ringtone,someones phone is toast.
I know it's a feat of marketing but it's just going a bit far it's driving me fucking insane.Maybe we should unite and fire thousands of emails at Jamster saying 'FUCK OFF', surely there must be something we can do to restore the proper decorum of television.
The fact that I'm even writing about it is sad as fuck.
For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about,oh how i envy you.

Pull your foot out of your mouth

2005-05-13T23:23:00.000+01:00

Today I became aware of this and was quite shocked,obviously someone has been smoking too much 'P' in lil ol' NZ.I mean who in there right mind would think they could get away with a hoax like this,thats right it turned out to be a hoax.Someone (when they're caught) is gonna go be a prison bitch for quite a long time me thinks.Lets look at the facts call comes from small island in Auckland harbour,well for a start there aint that many people there so it's not gonna be too hard to find them is it,secondly they have to get it to the mainland,hmmm just stop boatts leaving the island.Shall I go on I think not.
Just one more reason to stop bringin in the Psuedo Effadrine in to NZ.

New Weapons of Mass Destruction

2005-05-12T12:15:00.000+01:00

whilst I was skulking around in the darkness in the weekend I think I found something.i can't believe I haven't spotted them before,there they were right in front of me WMD!
All that time that was wasted on the septics lies about Iraq and all they had to do was walk into any old night club.
Yes I found them in disguise as female smokers.I dont mean to be sexist at but....All you have to do is go into any bar or club and pay attention,look around you and you will notice that any female smoker holds her ciggie either at groin level or at eye level at right angles to her person,therefore not looking where it hot damaging end might end up and probably not caring either.Its not rocket science to work out that you are holding a damaging weapon and yes contrary your own believe there are more people in the venue than just you and the person youur trying to impress and yes that little fashion accesory burning away in your pretty little manicured hand does burn clothes,skin,eyes and people!
So I have started my own little fight against this particular evil and you can join in,whilst moving around the bar/club if you spot one of the self centred wankers flick the end of the ciggie so that when they choose to take the 'Im lookin cool' drag it will be nothing but a blackened end and they will look stupid heheheheheheheh.
its either that or we start going out in goggles and leather safety suits.hmm sounds like a party I went to once
In one way I'll be glad when the smoking bill comes as long as they allow smoking areas so that you know where the danger zones are.

New Movement ;

F riends
A gainst
G etting
B urnt
U nkowingly by
T wats

Heres a New Saint

2005-04-26T22:20:00.000+01:00

Now if any one needs to be applauded for services beyond the call of duty its this man.
Check him out I want to fly to the US of Arse myself and shake his hand especially the Limp Biskit episode.In fact it should be a sort of new religion that everyone has to take part in.
Now go on get out there armed with handycam team,loudhaler and apple crate.
Enjoy

Entertained Finally

2005-04-19T22:07:00.000+01:00

Had the chance on the weekend to see these guys,and what a delight it was.So many live eelctonica acts these days are so boring and predictable,but these two really put on a show which was accompanied by one of the best content driven visual shows I've seen,all done on stage by them.

God finally something to write about talk about a mental blank

I Knew it

2005-04-19T21:58:00.000+01:00

After my previous post I should have put the wheels in motion but as usual I was beaten to it.
Here's the proof.

H2Oh no

2005-04-05T23:29:00.000+01:00

So as its told we need to drink 8 glasses a day of water to keep us healthy.Now I'm no fan of the stuff really unless it's been boiled with some of Ceylons finest or brewed with hops etc etc.
However recently with my attempt at riding the wagon I thought I should try and attempt it.Now here is lil ol' me thinkin that this would start repairing my poor old liver,but after reading this i think not.
I remember the debates about this years ago and I used to side with it but this just proves the fact,it is also said that had the UK not consumed so much tea during the bad old days of disease and plague there would be a lot less survivors as boiling the water purified it.
As of today I'm goin back to ceylons magic and I'm sure you will agree.

Terry and the Pope

2005-04-01T11:38:00.000+01:00

So in the wake of Terry's recent passing and the current state of the Pope's urinary tract infection and the fact he is eating through a hose,do we have to go through the same rigmarol?
Somehow I cant see the headline 'Pope's Hose Removed,3 Months To Go'
Or maybe thats what they are doin as they are supposed to have read him the last rights last night.
That means that soon we are going to have to go through the strange old tradition of picking a new Pope.
Oooooh the excitment!
I still think my way is much better.

Dream Job

2005-03-30T16:57:00.000+01:00

So if you're sitting around hating your job,well then check this out for a job and I'm sure you will feel better.
Bonusses include getting to use one of these,one of these and finally one of these.
Hope you have already eaten.
hehehehehehehe!

Starving your Loved ones

2005-03-24T11:22:00.000Z

Forgive me if I'm a bit late in the play but I've just become aware of the Terri Schiavo story.
For those of you in the dark like I was,Terri was a happily married woman until,in 1990,she was miss diagnosed resulting in a heart attack which caused massive brain damage (bet that doc sleeps well at night).To this day she has lived life in a "persistent vegetative state" kept alive by a tube that feeds her nutrients.
Back in '93' her hubby tried to have the tube removed (against the will of her parents)so that Terri would die 'naturally' which in real terms is 'starve to death' nice!But Florida boss Jeb Bush put a halt to it,finally the bush family did something right.
Alas on the 18th of March the case was won and the tube was disconnected,with the parents lawyer quoted as saying"We're now up against a very tight clock because Terri is in the process of being starved to death''.STARVED TO DEATH??Are you people missing some serious parts of your fucking brain or what?
Now Im not gonna get into any debate over euthenasia or whether Terri should live or die BUT I am against this.
I mean Terri is currently starving to death whilst her parents are in court trying to stop it,AHEM is'nt this a crime of inhumanity I mean for fucks sake starving someone?Surely in this day and age of modern medicine there is an easier way.Even people on death row pass away more humanly than this.
The mind boggles at the way some people think,starving your loved one?I Hope that if this ever happened to me that my friends and family would fly me to europe where its all legal and have me put to sleep peacefully.

London Non-Transport Pt2

2005-03-23T23:31:00.000Z

Ha ha after my last rigmarol with the buses I emailed a complaint (whinging git) and as a result I got a booklet of bus tickets with an apology hahahahahahahaha

Now theres a new transport scam

Go get em

The ladder of truth

2005-03-23T23:05:00.000Z

In a recent conversation about my poor excuse for a life with a friend,he suggested I look into the 'Ladder Theory'.
After reading this I realised Im in the 20% bracket (the one above other)

quite prone to the 'Kiss of Death' and know a lot of 'Cuddle Bitches'.
Although this did nothing for my self esteem it did clear up a load of issues that confuse the hell out of me.Check it out and if your honest Im sure you will agree there is a lot of truth.
Damn it!

School Dinners

2005-03-21T19:01:00.000Z

Following Jamie Olivers recent mission to improve school dinners the Government has made pledges to sort it out,well done I say.But I think it's really up to all of us to do our bit for the little blighters.
They really do need saving from the re-constututed lips and arse holes that they are fed now.
Well I've done my bit I have found the one product that the kids will gobble down,and it has the extra added bonus of preparing them for later life.

Here it is;

Mystery Cd

2005-03-18T12:11:00.000Z

Today is a good day.Last week I was given an un marked CD to listen to which was surprisingly good and had me air drumming on the tube (I must have looked like a right twat).A rock album that didn't sound like every other,really good drums and quite odd lyrics,it really had me guessing.Alas I haven't been able to work it out that is till today(thanks Mr Reilly).
So who is it you ask,well its a Texan trio by the name of The Secret Machines who have just released the album Now here is Nowhere.Hopefully they will be touring as finally I want to go see a band,something this synical old git hasn't wanted to do for ages,hurrah!
-----------------------------------------UPDATE-------------------------------------------------
Big bunch of arse,I just finished this then i realise they are doin tonight and tomorrow at Brixton Academy.Why bunch of arse you might say,well Im broke,always the way.
All is not lost though they're back on the 24th at The Electric Ballroom,hopefully I will have begged enough coppers (the coin that is) to go to that one.

Disposable Unheroes of Hypocrisy

2005-03-17T11:25:00.000Z

You've just got to love self-righteousness really.Yesterday Chris Eubank ex-boxer and shite reality TV subject was in court for taking the law into his own hands.
Whilst on route to take his kids to school on brighton,Eubank was driving down a lane when he came across a delivery truck blocking the way which annoyed our Mr Eubank.Now anyone who drives can understand the situation,your either in a hurry,the kids are moaning or you want to want to get home to wife in bed,whatever,but not many of us would go past the shouting 'COME ON' out the window and thats where Chris Eubank is different.
As Eubank drives a truck he thought sod this I'm in a hurry,got out of his vehicle,jumped in the delivery truck and moved it round the corner so he could get his vehicle past which,in the eyes of the law is A;Stealing and B; Driving with no insurance.In his defence he said he was raged at the fact that someone could just block the road with a big vehicle.
Now this is pretty funny considering the vehicle he was taking his kids to school in was none other than a giant black Hummer, a fuckin Hummer is he that punch drunk,who's blocking road with large vehicle you self important tosser ?????
Eubank just falls into the catagory filled with wankers who use huge penis extending 4x4s on the school run without a care for anyone elses safety,especially in Brighton,what a tosser.
I had an idea that you could take all of these vehicles and plumb half the exhaust gasses into the cab whilst in city limits or a height barrier round the perimeter of schools it would do us all a favour.

They get they're own movement

The
Oversized
Nonce
Kar
Association

And the beast goes on

2005-03-16T22:21:00.000Z

Well here I am at the aend of a rather uneventful day when finally i get the latest news from the good ol' U S of Arse.
Following the great placements of Condoleezza Rice as Secretary of State which made me think 'hold on she is a real nazi oil hungry bitch'.Then there was John Bolton placed in the UN as the American representative which leaves you thinkin WTF.
The bombshell today was that mad warlord Paul Wolfowitz has been placed as head of the World Bank,thats right the World bank.
For those of you who dont know Wolfowitz,well lets just catch up on him;

CAREER HIGHLIGHTS(courtesy of GNN)
1989-93: Under-secretary for defence policy
1986-89: US ambassador to Indonesia
1983-86: Assistant secretary for East Asian and Pacific affairs
1981-82: Head of state department policy planning staff
2001 to date – Deputy Defence Secretary (and was a strong advocate of the Iraq war.)

Now are you all thinkin what I am?
Whoever the puppet masters are that have they're hand up Bush jnr's ass really know how to play chess,all the pieces are just falling into place unchallenged really.
So when it all kicks off in Iran are we gonna hear the words 'check',and who is gonna say 'checkmate'.
This sort of carry on is just staggering belief,and to top it all off it was followed by the 2005 Budget.
All together now;
And a spoonfull of Prozac makes the politics go down,politics go down.

Sountrack for life Update;

Search and destroy : Iggy and The Stooges

Test the estate

2005-03-16T16:56:00.000Z

Are you a ned or a Slapper
Be honest now

The jury is out

2005-03-11T15:45:00.000Z

Due to this new evidence

Explains why only one glove was worn in public huh!

Shoot me

2005-03-11T15:18:00.000Z

Oh my god I just read my own babbling,for fucks sake
Liking Nigella Lawson?
Air guitar during housework??
Anyone out there with a small,loaded firearm come round ASAP

My address is.........................................

Thinks to one self I need my fuckin head read

Tottenham Court Onions

2005-03-11T13:57:00.000Z

I disovered an odd phenonemon last night.As I was on my way home in the wee hours of the morning through Soho,going to Tottenham Court Rd to catch my night bus home,and we all know how I feel about night buses I discovered an odd occurance.
Amongst the late night scragglers consisting of drunkards,strip show rejects and night workers there it was,wafting through the streets,the smell of onions,maybe Tottenham Court used to be onion fields I dunno but I realised that my entire walk through these parts I had been polluted by the onion and my god it was strong,it was sort of like that old Bisto ad except instead of transporting kids to the gravy it was transporting drunks to the sausage,ew!To top this all off I am now surrounded by drunken muppets with mustard and sauce all over they're faces chomping down these piles of lips and arseholes modelled into the shape of a sausage no wonder there is vomit on the road round these parts,its either the botulism from these things kicking in or just the general reaction from sober people,like me that they are inflicting with this toxic occurance.
Either way surely there can be a law about air pollution,you would hope so.

New movement;

Against
The
Mingin
Onion
Smells

Corporate Whoring

2005-03-11T12:47:00.000Z

Ive done what I said I wouldn't,corporate whoring.yup goin to do corporate shite gigs that only just qualify as the entertainment industry (in the catagory 'arse licking').I forgot how much of a bunch of arse it all was full of little jobs worth fuck knuckles that only are employed because they new someone or they are related.Not that I am against giving someone an oportunity,Im all for it but when some jumped up twat starts telling me how to suck eggs I just want to tell them to fuck off these people should have to take a course in mannerism otherwise they are going to get hurt.
Not only was it a stupidly long day plagurised by far too many idiots that should be removed from the gene pool,there was a large number of Doorway Blockers in attendance and we all know how i feel about that,however spending 21 hours in the V and A proved a soothing influence.
The show,'the Home and Garden Classic Design awards.Oh god I thought this is going to be full of over priced twaddle and wank stain ''designers'' ,alas no it wasnt I was pleasantly surprised and found some cool things that i didnt need a mortgage for.
Ive decided to make my own results as I left before seeing the awards part.
1st Presso Non-Electric Coffee Maker: As a coffee snob this is a funky and practical kitchen essential

2nd Norito Collection for LSA: Amazing glass where that looks like liquid and good use of colour

3rd Airswitch by Mathmos: Well I had to love this its a quirky lamp with a twist

As for honorable mentions I have to say the Nigella lawson Living kitchen (I hate to say)stuff was good value and the Electolux vacuum cleaner just begged for air guitar moments whilst doin the housework.
The bunch of arse award went to Isokon Shipshape Storage Box, 350 quid for that,your having a fuckin laugh,a stupid half arsed magazine rack that was totally un-ergonomic.
Th e best part of all was re-discovering the V and A especially the old German Black forest collection of wood carving,hmm Deer in kilts makes you wonder.I was also impressed by the big glass sculpture hanging in the entrance way,man what a piece the more you look the more it unfolds glad someone in this world has patience.
Now I dont know if anyone has been or seen the Morris, Poynter & and Gamble Rooms but oh my god what a hidden little gem that is,you definatly wouldn't want to to have your mind altered in that place,there was wierd shit goin on there back in the day for sure.

Daring Stuff

2005-03-09T16:08:00.000Z

To be a twat on the internet
hahahahaha

I hate this shit

2005-03-08T17:11:00.000Z

Im sorry to go on but will it never end?
Ive been saying this for a while Im glad someone put it in print.Also when you see stuff like this you just want to cry and bash your head against the wall (well I do)

Blatant self promote

2005-03-08T12:26:00.000Z

Hurrah its the second week of the month which means I get to harrass the public with my tunes at the Big Chill Bar.At least this week will be entertaining due to Rueben who is playing with me as he is planning on bringing reel to reel gadgets and visual aid should be quite fun (hint hint)
At least I get a free meal which is quite nice

Soundtrack to life

2005-03-08T12:12:00.000Z

I thought about this last night,isn't it great how no matter what your doin you can usually think of a tune that fits where you're at.So I thought I'd document it more for my own reasons than anything.
So Ill start now
Song for the present;

The Rolling Stones -You cant always get what you want

Comedy Revisited

2005-03-07T21:47:00.000Z

Ah Sunday the day of rest so rest I did,well that was until Reilly woke me up.This was all forgiven as he had a great suggestion to go to Spitalfields Market,pretty good idea for a Sunday really.Now I hadn't been to the market in a while and god its got bigger lots more food (hmmmmmmmmmm food)which we enjoyed to its full potential.so carried on round market and looked at stuff I couldn't afford.
Wheres the comedy you ask.
Well Mr Reilly hatches a plan go south of the river again (jesus may as well move there)to Brixton Comedy club which is really a pub with a comedian or two.This usually is a turn off for me as the thought of amateur(usually code for ''Shite'') comedians drives me insane due to 3 years of working in comedy festivals in NZ and Edinburgh.
Luckily this night was to be saved by the bill (get it),compared by Daniel Kitson (absofuckinglutely brilliant) I had forgotten how good daniel is at ranting comedy turning his stutter into an act of genius.Even as a compare he is an act unto himself.he then intoroduced the following.
Dan Antipolski,who is quite dark and very clever,top notch,Some Australian Guy who had a very good routine about taking LSD (wouldnt know myself),Scott Capurro who is a San Fran gay comedian who I have worked with twice and don't like at all hence why I sat thru his routine with a face like a smacked arse but I suppose he could be funny.
Then we had 2 quite strange men that did funny songs,the first of which was so-so but the second which was based around amphetamines was side splittingly funny ,I nearly laughed my self into incontinence.
Then it was the headline Rich Hall who I have had the pleasure of working with many times,and would go see again and again as he has some great anti bush humour,mixed with his own southern way of taking the piss out of his homeland,the great US of Arse.
Oh and I forgot the funniest bit,before the evening even started the woman in front of us lit her ciggie and cought her fringe alight,biggest hair fire ive ever seen ,she was ok though so i can laugh.
Hurrah my comedy bones have been revived and all for only £5.50 cheap at half the price (whatever that stupid saying means).
I nearly went into horror after this though when i realised I had missed the last tube,I thought oh fuck here we go again but thank god it all went smooth bus on time no yobs no frozen testicles.

Might make a Sunday habit out of this.

Even better I stayed on the wagon all week and weekend Hurrah

London Non-Transport

2005-03-07T13:43:00.000Z

Aaaahhhh the weekend a time to hang out with your friends entertain yourselves and not have to worry about getting home thanks to London Transport
LIKE FUCK
Now I suppose everyone thats ever been in London has had they're gripes about this subject but now its my turn and about time me thinks.
So its Saturday and I think 'Hmm(finger and thumb on chin) i think I'll go south of the river to the lovely Brixton and visit some friends,lovely.
1st port of call tube station to find out ;
No District Line (engineering works) ,oh well no probs can deal with that
No Northern Line,Bank Branch(engineering works) ,no big deal can use Charing cross Branch
then
No Central Line (flooding) grrrrrrrrrrr
This is takin the piss a bit as trying to get west from East London is now proving tricky but over all not too difficult to get around (and not the point of this rant)
Get to Brixton meet up with the fantastic Mr Reilly and wonderfull Ms Smacked Face and indulge on a wonderful Borough Market fresh fish dinner prepared by the afore mentioned.
What to do now,hmm well tring to stay on the wagon so all pubs and bars are out the window,lets go see a film at the Ritzy which I must say is quite an enjoyable cinema to sit in.
All agreed off we trundle to see ''The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou'' a film that I didn't know what to expect,that turned out to be thoroughly enjoyable even though there was some bobby no mates howling like a stuck pig at parts that weren't even meant to be funny,and I would recommend it to all.
This is where the fun begins.
So the film ends we say our good byes and I realise it's after the last tube,no problems thats what the magic of the night bus is for,isn't it??
Well the answer to that question is NO.
Here I am standing at the bus stop in Brixton looking at the little LED sign saying how long it is till the bus turns up,watching it count down from 10 minutes (not bad thinks I)right down to 'due' then my bus number disappears with no bus passing hmmm oh well there's another in 6 minutes,but alas no the same thing happens again,and again,and again and Im thinkin bunch of arse its gettin cold.So this goes on until a bus appears not lookin to full but the driver obviously didn't like the look of the punters in my bus stop so just glides on by leaving some pretty confused lookin people standing in the cold.This happens 2 more times as the temperature drops and my chance of reproducing dwindles (Not that I ever get the chance).
Finally I get another bus which can link me to another which I board thankfully as I am now visibly shivering.Sitting down now slowly thawing out when a bunch of 10 or so drunk lads enter the upper floor,which one of is carring a piece of 2 x 1 timber,oh brilliant here is little me with my fancy headphones and no energy thinking 'its just my night for this to happen' but thankfully they just ran amock amoungst themselves for half the bus ride and left,back to normal phew.
Headphones and person intact I relaxed until some fuck knuckle decided he wanted to smoke,which I dont mind but opening lots of windows to do so I do mind and I had reached the end of my tether with this evening so I spoke up and thankfully he listened.
Finally I reach the point to swap busses and thank fuck this seemed to be going ok until the number 25 'Bendy' bus showes absolutely rammedand smelling like a brewery,what is it at 2am that makes a huge bus like this have more people than at rush hour??
Finally Im home 2 and a half fucking hours later luckily there is no sharp knives or sleeping pills and there is a law against handguns.
Thanks London Transport

C itizens
U nited against
N once
T ransport
S ystem

Norwegian Madness

2005-03-07T13:00:00.000Z

So finally on Thursday I got a call for work,it all sounded easy ''can you come down and help with'' Norwegian Independance day''(ooh the glamour)can't be that hard I thought.So in I walk to a room full of rather plain lookin norwegians surrounded by far too many instruments for they're own good,all lookin nordic,happy,and easy goin ,so I started goin about my way sorting things out then all of a sudden soundcheck number one.My god it was a fury of guitars and kick drums,rather a juxtoposition to the happy smiling lads on stage but oh well.So the day trundles on in a wall of noise and strange language being shouted about,and then it happened,it was like satans 'stars in they're eyes'that sort of went like ''Tonight Matthew I'm going to be SATAN SATAN SATAN.
These happy,smiling,blond nice people had turned into satans little helpers with long dyed black hair pierced tattoed and covered in scarification,it just about got to the point where I started looking for the sacrificial goat.
To make things even stranger the aged Norwegian foreign minister and entourage were on the balcony looking like they were sitting round at a tea party.I found this all a bit odd ,I mean if it was German day I would expect Bratwurst and Oom Pa bands ,Or New Zealand Day I'd expect a Haka and some Finn Brothers,so what is it that posseses Norway to represent its national independance day by having Death Metal bands Scream they're lungs out,is it the amount of dark hours in winter??
Now I've been to Norway a few times and I never saw evidence of this,it all seemed to be quite a normal place even to the point of thinking it was straight out of a catalogue.As for music I did see a traditional Norwegian band at a mountain festival and they were as you would probably imagine.
The saving grace to all of this was when I found out I didn't have to stay for the whole gig (phew),all I had to do was get it started make sure all was ok then I could escape.8pm doors are open in come a weird mix of punters as you could probably expect,all awaiting the first act which none of us had seen.
Then it comes ,the absolute pinnacle of humour that has been my day,the first act is one of the band members from 'Aha' yes you remember that 80's pop sensation you either loved or hated,from stadium glory to 1000 people club to play ''singer,songwriter' type dribble.Quite an apt opening for a night of death metal I thought.
Luckily that was it for me I escaped unscathed at this point to the comfort of my own home sanity mainly intact.

Quote for thought

2005-03-02T00:12:00.000Z

"Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it."
Stephen Leacock

Reality Pope

2005-02-24T13:43:00.000Z

So the Pope is nearing the end of his reign,and fair play he has had a good innings but now (and I mean no dis-respect) he is reduced to a mumbling old man that is kept alive by nurses and medication,which just is'nt fair.
We need a new Pope and I've come up with a brilliant idea,why dont we select the new pope in best way we know how ;
REALITY POPE
Yup thats right a reality TV show to pick a new pope,think about it wouldnt it be wicked.First off get all the viable candidates plus a few ringuns just to keep the ratings up,then place them all in a big brotheresque church for a week.
Next off we need some challenges,all to be performed in full robes.
1;Find the cross in a swimming pool of jelly
2;100m alter boy leapfrog (clothed)
3; Musical alter boys (either way)

Oh the mind boggles at the possibilities
So next we need the presenters,one of which has to be Davina (like divine) McColl and the next would have to be Dr Jeffery John
Then theres all the merchandise never has there been such an opportunity to sell so many robes , 'Reality Pope communal biscuits' will go down a treat,and Pope on a rope will be in every holy shower room.

Now who wants to place a bet

Oooh Im gonna get struck down by lightning for this one

G ood
O ordinary
D isciples
B leeding
O ff
T he
H oly
R anks

Weather or work

2005-02-24T13:17:00.000Z

Well I think Mother Nature is'nt Being fair to me.Blizzards and tons of snow everywere,well everywere but round me.Why can't the blizzards hit London,at least then everyone else could be stuck at home like me,getting cabin fever.I want my neighbourhood to be blanketed in the white stuff so i can get some small enjoyment from playing in the snow,instead of sitting indoors watching crap day time telly ,which is either,trying to get me into more debt,putting a bunch of twats in a room to talk shite,or pretending life in suburban Australia is just peachy.So Ma Nature geez sum sno ,either that or someone give me a gig (hopefully the latter).Knowing my luck they will both come at once and Ill be at some venue in London unloading an overloaded 40ft truck in the snow.
I tell you the day I find that guy called Murphy Im gonna come down on him so hard it'll make 'Jake the Muss' look like 'Nana Moon'
So whats it gonna be, work or weather??

heed da wall

2005-02-22T13:35:00.000Z

So Today I find myself watching the news and wanting to bash my head against the wall in anger, yes you guessed it the chimp commonly known as George Dubya Bush (grrrrrrrrrrr) standing being a smug motherfucker in Brussels, tryin to kiss and make up.
Now I might not be a political analyst but I mean for fucks sake why doesnt the EU just say ''Oi chimp boy you're not fooling us with your Evil Doers and WMD you oil stealing failure of a cowboy pack your saddle bags and fuck off back to daddy'' instead of all this fake smile and handshake bullshit .As the EU could be bigger than the US as a financial power ,it surely has the muscle to do such a thing .At least make him get with the Kyoto or face the consequences especially now old oil bitch Cunt alina Rice on bored ,he isnt exactly being subtle is he aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh Im angry just writing this.
As for the whole Kyoto angle ,there is an easy start like why does the US of A have to produce 6 litre V8 engines to go down the shops when the rest of the world can get around in 2 litre and under motor vehicles, that are still capable of breaking any speed limit. Even on the bigger scale of vehicle the rest of the uncivilised world can do without these monsters so why carry on making them.
And on the subject of WMD what is this shit about starting on Iran, I mean is this gimp un-stoppable, did he just wake up and think hmmm Ive devastated one poor country Im bored lets attack another for oil and blind my gun totin country with a bit of war so they dont see that Im using all their money to line the pockets of my daddys mates who have let me in on their companies.
Its the Old father son thing isnt it like when you were growing up,
''Son Ive nearly finished the lawn can you finish it off''
''Son Ive been washing the car can you finish it off for me''
''Son Ive been wiping out the middle East can you.........''
Any way enough ranting Ive found this lil gem to cheer me up

C ommunities
H ating
I llegal
M ental
P resident

Militia Mycellium

2005-02-21T17:53:00.000Z

.

Well that wagon I talked about in previous post was misplaced again in the weekend damn it,but I must say I dont regret it after bein hermit for a while I was summoned to get into uniform and report immediatly to one of the funniest most fun outings I have been to in quite some time
Happy Birthday to General Smacked Face and Major Tom (who has hopefully contacted ground control by now) And a big salute to all who attended the barracks for some bawdy ballads
And for those of you that carried on to do an extra tour of duty you will be suitably commended
For those who werent there ,god in some way i envy you and some way I dont ,I mean how can ordinary upstanding members of the community find a whole days entertainment with ; 1 litter pick up stick,1 blue sponge(dry) 1 Small furry hedgehog and a random collection of wigs and clothes oh better not forget the scenic deck of Secret HQ which definitly had a big impression
well the answer was in the rations sent to us from our allies in Mexico Delitefully prepared By kitchen hand Rielly
Also Mother nature giving the woman of the day a big present by snowing on her day ,cheers ma
So my final notes to My small team of experts ;
Clean up your act
Stop spongin
and at a pinch
It takes the cake
when your hedgin your bets

Acronym for the day ;
M ushroom
M ilitia
O n
N ew
S pecial
T actics
A bout
S iliness

Join me next time when Miss Piggy Says;
Put your bot on the spot before you get a bayonet up it

Brother Carlos RIP

2005-02-21T15:08:00.000Z

Sorry to be on a negative note
But My friend carlos and friend to many across the globe has passed
He was well knoen for his constant ability to turn up and turn something
into a musical instrument or sing about love
Well love to you bro
fly and be free

Notices

Hunter S RIP

2005-02-21T13:29:00.000Z

Well after getting home finally after a weekend of crazed frivolity thanks to Ms Smacked face and the life o rielly I read that the god Hunter S Thompson has died which is bizarre since I had quite a few Hunter S Moments throughout the weekend this is a sad loss to us all
bye bye Hunter
Read the article either guardian or CNN

Moment of silence please

Suburban boredness

2005-02-17T22:46:00.000Z

I discovered a new sport for those of you who are bored of suburban life
and feel the need to get out and do somethin interesting

I am not to be blamed for any damages incurred

SUBURBAN SPORT

OOOOOOH Bungle

2005-02-17T22:17:00.000Z

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS

Riding The wagon

2005-02-17T21:51:00.000Z

Well so as a New Years Res I decided to jump aboard the wagon of sobrierty
(yeah right I hear you say) well after nearly 2 months (I only fell off once and it f*&^in hurt) this is my report so far;
At first it was amusing especially since i work in the world of clubs and gigs
I got to laugh at people being drunk and bent and think the old thought ''I hope
I dont look like that'' (answer bein probably) but eventually you get the challenges
1 ; GOIN TO THE PUB
It occurs pretty quick that you look like a nob standin in a pub with empty hands
so go for the non alcoholic option and quickly realise that you cant down as many orange juices as pints and when you try you spend most of the time in the loo
brilliant
Secondly trin to go on the pull with no dutch courage is shite
Good points are no hangovers no being robbed by the beer fairies and no wakin up
with undesirables
2 ; GOIN CLUBBIN
All I can say is drugs make people sweat and fart and look stupid
nuff said

So i have another few months ridin this ol wagon and im enjoyin it
honest

no no really I am

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

More proof of higher intelligence

2005-02-17T21:44:00.000Z

dough boy

Umbrellas

2005-02-17T21:04:00.000Z

So here it is as winter is comin upon us one of my most hated things has come back which I
had forgotten all about and that is Umbrellas I mean how did it become legal and possible in this day and age of Health and Safety that some human being can pick up a weapon with many pointed ends become completely unaware of any other human being and start prancing about the busy ol city attempting to take peoples eyes out??? I remember umbrellas that curved so that the ends pointed down hence not gouging eyes and faces of innocent bystanders at the bus stop!So the kids have to were goggles to play conkers does this mean we are all gonna have to were goggles to walk in the city during rainy season??
Lets start a movement I say

A ll
H umans
F or
U mbrella
K ontrol

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2005-02-17T21:01:00.000Z

These must be the questions that ponder most of humanity, they sound so reasonable, dont they?
1. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
2. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
3. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
4. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
5. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
6. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
7. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
8. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
9. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
10. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
11. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
12. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
13. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
14. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
15. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
16. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
17.Why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway

and finally my favourite
18. Why are Asteroids from the hemisphere and Hemmeroids from your .............................

Doorway Blockers

2005-02-17T20:58:00.000Z

So it has finally come to my attention that the old song ''and you'll always find them in the kitchen at parties'' Should now be edited to ''And you'll always find them in the DOORWAYS at
gigs '' I ve been noticing it of late especially in venues I mean what sort of fuk wit turns up at a venue thats rammed walks down the main stairs then stops at the bottom with 50-100 odd people behind them and thinks ill just stop here and have a look about then gets grumpy when he/she gets bumped into I mean are they thinkin that they are the only person in the place they deserve to be trampled to death I say then hung on the wall as an example.Next on the agenda is Loo doorways lets have a ''Oh my god I havent seen you in years'' conversation in a 3 foot wide cavity that a lot of desperate people are tryin to pass through to either pee/poo/do drugs/vomit/shag/get back to dance floor etc etc I mean for fucks sake and when these people start showing signs of irritation at getting knocked into someone should toss them like a salad out the way this all came to fruition when in the weekend I was in a club walkin down a rather wide staircase which one side was covered in melting munters as usual and the other side which is usually kept free for um walking down maybe?? was blocked by 3 people sitting and 3 standing having a gibberish where discussion about what room to be in (There fuckin own bedroom if i had my way) so i tried to squeeze past to no avail my claustraphobicness kicked in
and i shoved passed which was greeted by a OI MATE MIND IT so I stopped in my tracks slowly turned around and replied with oh im sorry I thought this was a FUCKIN STAIRCASE you spotty little pack of fucks (God it made me feel good) so one of them grabbed a security guard little did they know I worked there so they were promptly moved along and told next time sit in a seat heheheheehehe
So next time you are out and you see someone thinking they are the only one in the planet
and blocking a door/staircase walk up to them politely tap them on the shoulder look at the doorway/staircase and say excuse me is this a doorway/staircase and when they say yes reply with hmmm goog I was sure it wasnt a bus stop............twat and walk away you will enjoy it
So New Movement;
Devoted
Entertainers
Against
Thick
Humans
Blocking
Every
Doorway

join us next time when Miss Piggy says ''you wanna stick that where''...........
''For how much''''''